The smell of fresh tulips hurts my nose to the point of where I want to break it.

The taste of your favorite dish of pasta at Paisano’s  taste like toxic waste.

The site of your brother hurts my heart worse than being shot in the body a billion times.

The thought of you feels like being put in a tomb with hydrofluoric acid.

The color olive green hurts my eyes to the point where I want to be blind.

The thought of you taking your life hurt me more than being told I’m going to die tomorrow.


My Gift to You

My thoughts have disappeared again and it feels like they were stolen.

My mind is now empty and not full of the dark screams.

My bones are weaker than chicken bones at fry feast.

My olive skin is whiter than paper itself.

My fiery red hair is duller than a crayon.

My deep blue-green eyes are darker than the seven seas.

My smile is faker than a rainbow on a sunny day.

The pain of missing you is worse than being hit by a car a million times.

In honor of my friend’s memorial and To Bradyen her twin. 

End of The Year Post

This is the end of the year post and to be honest with you, I’m going to miss all of my friends and some of the people I talked to at school. High school is coming faster than I want it to, The high school I’m going to is so boring. I’m not gonna have a teacher bully me every day for fun and I know I don’t show it but I’m really gonna miss Mr.Clean.This all I got.


My thoughts are darker than the sky in a thunderstorm.

My fingers dances across the keys like a ballet dance in a show.

My throat feels like I drank toxic alcohol.

My liver  feels like a ocean overflowing  with alcohol.

My gut feels like a thousand knives slashing it over and over again.

My heart feels like a mirror scattering in to a million pieces.


My lungs feels like fire when I breathe.


My ribs are in never ending pain.


My brain is on a mini vacation to a faraway place where no one can find it.

My body is to the point where I can no longer feel pain.

My eyes only see black and white now and the colors of the world have faded away.

My nose smells nothing anymore, not even the sweet honeysuckles in the late summer.

My mouth only tastes the bitter tastes of toxic waste and not the sweet tastes of fresh strawberries.

My ears hear the screams of the unwanted and not the beautiful sound of the guitar.

My hands feel the roughness of life and not the cold keys of the piano.

My arms bore the scars of someone who is broken and not the smooth like the softness of life.

My legs are like cinder blocks and not the legs of a dancer.

My feet feel like I’ve walked a mile and not the feet of a fighter, player, and dreamer.



Before you read this is all true, I went through this and I still am. Her birthday is in August and that will be the first birthday her twin has had without her.

Somewhere there is a girl wondering why does she have to live like this and someone who could have saved her is wondering the same thing.

Well, I’m wondering that right now because I feel like it’s my fault my best friend is gone and there is nothing I can do about. Everyone is telling it’s not my fault but I feel like I could have stopped her, Because she called me the night before she killed herself, she called like she does every night since we went the that hot June day.She told about her day and I had a feeling that something was wrong, she told me it was nothing at all and I believed she was telling me the truth but I was wrong.

I know Sarah would want me to move on with life and not cry of her death but it’s hard for me because she was one of the only few that got me.the other person who got me dies as well and it feels like I’m alone when I know I’m not. If you would have told me that my best friend would’ve killed herself last February, I would’ve laughed in your face but now I would know that you were telling me the truth. I wonder If I asked what was wrong would she still be here today or would she lied to me and said everything was okay.

People at school joke about killing themselves and I want to know if they really mean it or are just saying it to say it. I hate hearing them say them want to and then remembering Sarah and the fact that she kills herself can’t stop her.she was the brightest person I’ve ever met and I really miss her all the time. So Sarah wrote three letters one to her mom Carie, the second one was to her brother Brayden, and the third and last one was to Me.She told Her Mom to move on with her step-dad John and be happy, She told Brayden that she didn’t want him to forget the promise he made to his real dad before he dies of brain cancer, And

She told her best friend that the world will not end when she dies and to keep go on with life.We had a dream to tour Europe and go to college and help people who need it the most in life.She wants me to keep writing because I use to write stories for her and she wants me to never give up on myself.Sarah was and always be someone who you could talk to about anything in life and she would make everything okay.

Sarah is the best friend you could ask for and I miss her, but she is in a better place now and she won’t worry about us as much as she did when she was alive.

Today Thursday 22, 2018, It’s the day that Sarah killed herself and it’s hard for me to be at school but My Mom doesn’t know about Sarah’s death at all.I hope she never finds out about Sarah’s death because that is the one thing that is keeping me sane right now and not in the crazy house. 7:00 pm tonight is when she was found in her bathroom and she didn’t do it to get known, she did it because she couldn’t handle life anymore so she killed herself. I sometimes wonder if I had something to do with it at all.Everyone is telling me it’s not my fault and I want to believe them but I can’t and I don’t know why.I feel like it’s my fault but deep down in my gut I know it’s not my fault she killed herself, If she was here right now she would yell at me because she told me in the letter that it was not my fault and I shouldn’t think that at all.But I can’t help it and if anyone that was in my place would feel the same way I do.